I should have died.
Sometimes I wish I did.
At least then I wouldn’t be alone.

After my parents’ divorce, my mom moved on with her yoga-teaching boyfriend and my dad threw himself into work, leaving me to figure out how to navigate my new reality on my own.

Transitioning from an all-girls school in Malibu to the elite Arlington Park Academy in the suburbs of Chicago means more changes than I can handle. I feel like I’m drowning, losing myself…craving the sense of belonging I lost.

Then the overly enthusiastic class president and my next-door neighbor, Emily, claims me as her new best friend. She takes me to a party where I meet a group of guys that make me feel like I found my home.

Luca, the one who saves me. Skyler, the one who makes me laugh. Noah, the one who challenges me. Vince, that one who understands me. And Gavin, the one who includes me.

Too bad Emily and her friends don’t exactly get along with the guys. How can I balance both groups? I can’t risk losing anyone else. Especially when the guys say they know the reason I survived the accident that killed her brother and best friend.

I have a secret.
Several actually.
Only the guys know who I really am.

I finally know the truth about my family, but now I have even more questions. The only people that can answer them are Luca, Skyler, Noah, Vince, and Gavin. They’ve introduced me to a world I never imagined existed. One that comes at a cost. One I can’t tell anyone else about.

I’m balancing two lives. Sometimes I’m a normal teen, getting ready for the homecoming dance and falling for my gorgeous boyfriend. The rest of the time, I’m sneaking around and answering to The Society.

When everything falls apart, the truth will come out.

I’ve been lied to, lied about, and lived a lie.
I’ve been beaten and broken.
I’m done being the victim.

I trusted the wrong people. I let them into my life, my heart, and they turned on me. In one moment, my life changed. I know whom I can count on and who truly cares about me. My guys.

Each day the attacks turn more personal. It started with the football team, but now the entire school seems to have something to say about me. I want to be strong, but each word feels like a punch. Not even my own home is the escape I need it to be.

Is there such a thing as truth?
What about trust?
How much hurt can one person survive?

I’ve opened my heart and had it ripped out, stomped on, and even drowned. It’s taking everything in me not to curl in on myself and let the world fade away. No one should have to go through the pain I have. The only thing keeping me from slipping under is the love the guys have shown me.

They’re the only ones I know I can depend on.

At least, I hope so. I found something. Something that changes everything. I don’t know if The Society is what I think it is. Can I tell the guys, or are they in on it, too? I can’t trust myself to know what’s real anymore. Too bad I can’t ask the only people that have the answers I’m seeking. There’s only one thing I know for sure, the dead can’t lie.

The more answers I get, the more questions I have.
only know one thing for certain.
I need my guys. All of them.

I let myself get comfortable. I found a rhythm and thought life might actually calm down for a while. That I might find a new normal, but the Society needs something from me.

My guys tell me I can trust them, their parents, and the organization they belong to. My mom’s journal says I can’t.

There’s no time to hesitate. No time to overthink. I have to do what I’ve been asked. This is bigger than me or my guys. There’s more at stake than I could have ever realized.

My heart is split in five.
The future I want feels impossible.
I can’t hold back. Not anymore.

Every step forward is followed by a hard shove ten feet back. I want things to work with the guys, all of them, but keeping the sun from setting seems easier and more likely to happen.

Just when I think we’re making progress, the Society steps in and once again messes things up, giving the guys something else to fight over.

They say the best things in life are free. I don’t believe that for a second. I just have to hope the price isn’t too high.

I had love and lost it.
I don’t want that pain again.
I have to make a choice.

All I wanted was a week off from the drama. I should have known better than to think we could pretend to be normal when we’re anything but. The Society is more than an organization. It’s a lifestyle and it’s time I accept that.

The life I want is within reach, but there are consequences I’ll have to face. I wish it was as simple as telling them what I want, but it’s not only my life that will change. Someone is going to have to make a sacrifice, but who?

How long can I toe the line before I have to make the decision that will change everything?

Progress comes with a price.
For every step forward I take,
someone slips further away.

There’s more to this world than I imagined. More secrets, more people, more confusion. Meeting members our age only raises more questions. I’m not sure I want the answers.

I thought the guys and I were past the hard part. We’ve come so far in the past few months and things have been going in the direction I hoped. I should have known better than to think it could ever be easy. I can’t be the only one fighting for us.

Do we have what it takes to make our relationship work, or is this the beginning of the end?

One little lie.
Now I second guess everything.
This is no way to live.

It’s time to uncover the truth, once and for all. Tennyson said it’s better to have loved and lost it than to have never loved at all. Well, that man clearly overestimated the amount of pain and suffering I could tolerate.

The more I discover, the more uncertain I am of everything my life has become in Arlington Park. As the lies and deception reveal themselves, I have to make a choice. Protect myself, my father, or the guys. There’s no perfect answer, but living in this limbo is taking its toll.

It’s time to take action, I’m just not sure who will be left at my side at the end.